let there be peace | journal entry

"This is one part, one role that I question if I really have what it takes to fulfill...Do I notice? Do I see her?"

I’d like to share something important that happened in rehearsal today. In preparation for our upcoming concert, we were rehearsing Mark Hayes’ arrangement of “Let There Be Peace on Earth.” I honestly never thought twice about this song in the past. However, this arrangement is just amazing (just like most of his arrangements), and even by the fourth rehearsal of the season, the choir’s performance of the song already sounded ETHEREAL. I became overwhelmed with how beautiful the song sounded, and became so tearful that it nearly stopped me from singing. It was one of those incredible moments that you don’t soon forget, that enters into your very core and touches your soul. It was incredible, and at that moment I truly felt the real message of the song. 

There is a part of the song that says:

Let peace begin with me
Let this be the moment now.
With every breath I take,
Let this be my solemn vow.

To take each moment
And live each moment
In PEACE, eternally.

Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.

As with everything these days, in the midst of listening to the beauty of the song, my thoughts strayed to our battles in the first few days of Aria's life. Lately, I have felt so completely inadequate. Sometimes I feel like I should already know what to do as a mom… yet I feel like I am failing all the time. I had succeeded in many areas of my life, but this is one part, one role that I question if I really have what it takes to fulfill.

At that moment, singing “Let There Be Peace on Earth” reminded me that I am not nothing, that I STILL CAN MAKE THINGS THAT ARE BEAUTIFUL…things that have meaning, things that are powerful.

During these past few years, I have been searching for a sense of tranquility. Through the ayurvedic medicine, acupuncture, meditation, massage, etc., what I have wanted most for the moment was to have peace. I wanted to feel calm and a semblance of some kind of serenity. 

Through the ups and downs, Aria's surgeries, Aria's hospital visits, and now Aria's developmental delays, I have become emotionally exhausted. What I want most for the moment is PEACE….peace away from the disappointment, peace away from the anguish, peace away from self-torment, peace away from feeling angry, peace away from the fatigue. Most of all, peace away from the guilt that it's still my fault. Yes, yes, there nothing I could've done to prevent Aria's medical diagnoses...still, will the guilt ever go away? “With every breath I take”, this is what I want.

Instead of being stuck feeling useless, today’s rehearsal reminded me that there are many things I CAN still do, that I have the ability to contribute some kind of beauty to the world. And beauty often times is in places and moments that you forget to look. Like how Aria looks at me while I change her dressing, change her feeding tube, or mix her IV medication....do I notice? Do I see her? Do I see the beauty that I had a part in making?

She is happy. She is thriving. She is ALIVE.

“To take each moment, and live each moment, in peace eternally”.

Praying to never forget I can do this.

Love + light,

Clara